This Just In

By Steve

Denny Hecker Named Minnesota "Czar"

(Inver Grove Heights, MN)--In a stunning but not totally unexpected move, local car dealer and uber-businessman Denny Hecker has officially been named "Czar of the State of Minnesota" by Governor Tim Pawlenty and the Minnesota legislature.

"This is something that would have happened eventually," said Pawlenty, "so we decided to just move ahead and finalize it. There are some forces that are just too big to stop."

Hecker's expanding business presence now includes real estate, mortgage companies, life and property insurance and financial services. A line of Hecker "one-stop life stations," including birth centers, grocery stores, funeral homes and crematoriums is also being planned. In addition, The Wall Street Journal reports that Hecker is in negotiations to buy every major professional sports team in the state, including the Twins and Vikings. Hecker's press secretary would neither confirm nor deny those reports.

"Look, there are worse people we could have given this power to," said Pawlenty, speaking at an official coronation gathering at Hecker's palatial home in Inver Grove Heights. "We see Denny every day, on billboards, the sides of buses, in TV ads. His bland, white, nondescript face has a definite Minnesota feel to it. We know Denny. And he knows us. He knows our needs. He will take care of us."

In the first official act of his reign as "Minnesota Czar," Hecker announced on his talk-radio program that Minneapolis and St. Paul will now officially merge into one large, centrally governed entity that will be officially known as Heckersville.