Tuesday, March 20, 2007

This Just In

By Steve

Local Bus Accident Victim Tells St. Peter He Did Know What Hit Him

(St. Paul, MN) Melvin Upshack, 58, a local plumber and part-time bartender who died in a bus accident in downtown St. Paul, reportedly gave full details of the fatal accident to St. Peter upon entering eternity at approximately 3:47 p.m. last Friday afternoon.

"Oh, I knew what hit me alright," said Melvin "It was the Route 17 bus making a big right turn onto Wabasha. I was kind of not paying attention when I stepped off the curb, and there it was, bearing down on me like a big falling building. Before I could jump back, it hit me full force, crackin' my head open like an overripe cantaloupe. It was my own fault, I ain't blaming no one. But no one should say, 'well, ol' Melvin never knew what hit him.' I knew all right, and it hurt like hell."

Melvin's report to the heavenly authorities, carried on a number of special access celestial blogs, apparently contradicts the time-honored notion that many people involved in sudden, catastrophic events blissfully enter the afterlife without an awareness of the violence being wracked upon their mortal frame. Not so, says Melvin.

"I've already met a bunch of other people up here who also knew exactly what hit them. Bomb blasts, hunting accidents, volcanic eruptions. I even heard from one guy smashed by a falling wheelbarrow. It don't take long to figure out what's happening, just a milisecond, actually. But that's enough.”

In the end, Melvin sounded an eternally philosophical note. “None of it is pretty, man, but it's real. We got to face up to that. The truth ain't gonna hurt nobody. Well, actually it might, but not as much as that bus."

Hadleyblogger Mary contributed to this report.


  1. As a "detached critic" who reads posts like this with some skepticism, I dragged out my Shell map of the Twin Cities and saw that "St Louis King of France" parish is just a block off of Wabasha, giving some credence to the report.

    Further investigation showed that St Louis has confessions two to three times a day. This makes it highly likely that Mr. Upshack had just fulfilled the requirements for his plenary indulgence, thus accounting for his almost immediate ascent into heaven.

    There was indeed a short delay due to the use of the word "ain't" in his speech. That's always been a sin. But the use of the word "man", even as an expression, apparently is not.

    Snopes.com rates this one as "True."

  2. Thank you very much, Ray. I feel better about Steve's posts now...



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