Thursday, June 7, 2007

This Just In

By Steve

Bush Pardons Hilton To "Boost National Morale," Says "We'll Always Have Paris"

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Bush unexpectedly issued a full pardon to recently jailed celebrity party-girl Paris Hilton today, explaining that he was doing it "in the interest of national morale."

Citing Article II, Section 2 of the Constitution, which states, “The President ... shall have power to grant reprieves and pardons for offenses against the United States, except in cases of impeachment,” Bush said he was simply doing what was best for all concerned.

(Left) All just a misunderstanding? Paris Hilton betrays her anxiety prior to receiving word of her Presidential pardon.

"These are stressful and trying times for our nation," the President said from Heiligendamm, Germany, where he was discussing issues of nuclear annihilation, a return to a Cold War arms race, and the disastrous effects of global warming with foreign leaders at the G-8 Summit. "We need helpful distractions. Ms. Hilton, with her wacky antics, certainly provides those. We can't afford to have her locked up in some dull Los Angeles County Jail for three weeks. We need her out there giving us something else to think about. So, in the interest of national morale, Paris is now free to return to her normal, free-wheeling schedule. Thank God we'll always have Paris."

Ms. Hilton, 26, who until today was serving a 23-day jail sentence for violating a probation order before it became a 40-day house arrest sentence, was delighted with news of the full pardon.

"This is like, awesome," she said, standing outside her Hollywood Hills home, playfully waving the ankle bracelet that she had earlier been sentenced to wear. "I'm not even a Republican, I think, but I'm glad President Washington did that. I'll talk about it more in my Barbara Walters Special next Friday."

There was no confirmation to rumors that Hilton was later seen dancing into the night at a posh Hollywood bistro in the company of Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, Britney Spears, and Lewis (Scooter) Libby.

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