This Just In

By Steve

Report: Rain Falls on Just, Unjust

(MINNEAPOLIS, MN) -- Meteorologists from the National Weather Service confirmed today that the thunderstorms which battered the Twin Cities area Saturday morning equally affected both the just and the unjust.

“There is no doubt that God did not play favorites in this storm,” Chief Meteorologist Barton “Storm” Front said in a press conference Tuesday. “After consulting with trained climatologists and local theologians, we have concluded that pretty much everyone in the Twin Cities area got wet this weekend, regardless of their current moral standing in the eyes of Almighty God.”

Doppler radar images were used in conjunction with analysis provided by the Rev. Leroy Declaimer of the Last Baptist Church, Fr. Eugene O’Donnell of Our Lady of Deep Regret Catholic Church, Rabbi Yefrim Shamir of Temple Al-El, and Kareem Abdulah-Mobutu of Dar-Al Fooey Mosque to make the determination that, in this case, all men and women were equal in God’s eyes.

“Our unanimous conclusion was that, in this case, a cold weather system moving down from Alberta combined with moisture coming up from the Gulf - not the sins of the fathers - was responsible for the widespread damage and power outages reported as a result of the storm,” Front concluded. “Although it may be hard for some to accept, it appears that all men, good as well as evil, the righteous and the unrighteous, faced the same consequences from this storm, in this way fulfilling the words of Matthew 5:45. How they accepted their fate, of course, is another matter.”

God-fearing churchgoer Randall Simmons provided first-hand testimony to the even-handedness of the Lord’s Judgement.

“I came up from the basement to find several of my windows smashed and a tree downed in my front yard,” Simmons said. “My first thought was to ask myself why a just God would permit this to happen to me. I go to church on Sunday, I give 10 percent of my paycheck to my congregation, I read the Holy Bible every day. Why, I asked, am I being singled out for punishment in this way?

“And then I looked across the street at my neighbor Ed’s house. Everyone knows that for some time Ed’s been carrying on a secret affair with his secretary, and that they meet every Wednesday afternoon for a quickie at the Starlite Motel. Well, when I saw that the winds had torn off a portion of Ed’s roof and a tree limb had fallen and crumpled the hood of his new Lexus, I felt much better. I realized that even Ed had not escaped the wrath of God as expressed through Nature’s Fury.”

Front stressed that the Weather Service’s analysis was limited to last Saturday’s storm, and had no bearing on the Department of Agriculture’s continuing investigation into the plague of locusts affecting Kansas last month.