Coming Attractions

By Mitchell

College Football: Virginia Tech vs. LSU, Saturday, ESPN, 9:15 ET. Also known as the "Lacrymose Bowl," as national sweetheart LSU, courageous source of inspiration and healing for the citizens of Louisiana in the wake of the Hurricane Katrina disaster, takes on national sweetheart Virginia Tech, courageous source of inspiration and healing for the citizens of Virginia in the wake of the Virginia Tech campus massacre.

Yes, it's Mourning in American, even on Saturday night. Watch as the nation is torn by conflicting emotions, wracked by indecision as fans seek closure to what is sure to be a no-win situation in this showdown between two college powerhouses both ranked in the top ten in the polls, and number one in the hearts of Americans everywhere.

Will the Bayou Bengals, hosting one of the biggest sporting events in a post-Katrina Louisiana still striving to recover, be able to hold off the Hokies, carrying the hopes of an entire campus united in sorrow and grief? Will the corruption of Louisiana's elected officials be overshadowed by the incompetence of Virginia Tech's administrators? There's only one way to find out!

A nation struggling from dissention over the Iraq War yearns for inspriation, and yet someone's dreams will be shattered come Saturday night. Can't the game just end in a tie and leave everyone happy? Well, no - not since the NCAA introduced the tie-breaking overtime feature in an attempt to satisfy football fans everywhere who complained about tie games that left no one happy.

A game this big can only start with a a very special Oprah pre-game show. And make sure to stay tuned after the game, as Dr. Phil helps fans of the losing team cope with their devastating heartbreak.