This Just In

By Steve

Clemens Vows to Launch Own Steroid Probe
Says He Will Not Rest Until He Determines His Own Guilt

(Houston, Texas—December 28, 2007) Citing what he called “dubious sources, innuendo, and lack of clear-cut evidence,” baseball legend Roger Clemens announced today that he plans to launch his own probe into illegal steroid use in major league baseball to determine whether or not he is guilty of using performance-enhancing drugs.

(Left) Is Roger Clemens guilty? That's the question Roger Clemens wants answered.

“If I am guilty of using steroids or any other drug, I want to know about it,” Clemens announced at a packed press conference. “So far the evidence in the Mitchell Report doesn’t prove anything. It is time to get to the bottom of this and let the truth be known.”

Clemens announced that he will seek to retain noted self-investigator O.J. Simpson to assist him in his independent probe. “Who better to find out whether or not I’m on the juice than the Juice?” Clemens asked rhetorically, prompting laughter and applause from many of the journalists attending the conference. Simpson, facing legal problems of his own recently, and still purportedly engaged in a decade-long search for his wife’s killer, had a 10 a.m. tee time and was not available for comment.

“Justice must be served,” Clemens continued, his voice at times quivering with indignant, some said slightly exaggerated, rage. “If I am guilty of illegal drug use, I will demand that I be punished to the fullest extent of the law and Commissioner Selig’s authority. If I am innocent, I will seek to clear my own name. America’s baseball fans, especially the kids, deserve nothing less.”

Clemens, winner of seven Cy Young Awards, abruptly ended the news conference without taking further questions, telling reporters he needed to return to the gym where he has begun a training regimen for his 2008 late summer baseball comeback.