This Just In

By Steve

Tiger Woods Loses Golf Tournament to Some Guy

(FLORIDA, March 24) - Tiger Woods, arguably the greatest golfer in the history of the sport, shot a closing round one-under 71 to finish three shots behind some guy in a professional golf tournament at some Florida golf resort yesterday.

Woods, who finished at -13, wound up in fifth place, behind the winner and three other guys, all of whom nobody had ever heard of. Two of them were said to be from foreign countries, and one was left-handed.

(Left) Tiger Woods watches in dismay as some guy finishes ahead of him.

For Woods, who was going for a sixth consecutive tournament victory, the disappointment was obvious, though he displayed his customary graciousness in a post-tournament interview.

“I’d like to congratulate what-his-name on his victory today,” said Woods, flashing a brief smile. “Obviously whoever he is, he played a good round on a tough course. Although I don’t know how good you can say this course really is, seeing as how my tee shots kept going in the rough. The photographers kept taking my picture, and the back nine was laid out in a really awkward way, with all that sand and water getting in the way. And I think they moved the holes on me just before I teed off. But you still have to take your hat off to him. It’s nice to see other guys get a chance out here once in a while.”

NBC analyst Johnny Miller said that he was at a loss to explain Woods’ defeat. “I mean, it’s something that none of us really prepare for,” Miller said after the telecast, which concluded when Woods finished up on the 18th hole. “To ask me to be ready to analyze something like this is really asking too much, even for me, the world’s greatest golf announcer.”

NBC made a brief announcement at the end of the broadcast that anyone who might possibly care could probably find out who the winner was sometime later on the Golf Channel.

Woods said his next tournament would be The Masters in April, leaving the PGA Tour to be dominated by an assortment of no-names for the next four weeks, probably including more foreigners and Southerners with three names.