Tuesday, December 15, 2009

This Just In

By Steve Harris

Edwards, Sanford Come Out In Support of Woods

(BUENOS ARIES, December 15) -- In a stunning display of bipartisan consensus, Republican Mark Sanford and Democrat John Edwards today issued a joint statement of support for beleaguered golfer Tiger Woods.

Speaking before a handful of reporters in Buenos Aries, Argentina, the North Carolina Democrat and South Carolina Republican said the unusual statement was intended to help heal “the deep wounds of shock and dismay” which have rocked the American people in the wake of Woods’ admissions of infidelity following an early-morning car accident on November 27.

“Although this humble statement alone cannot repair the damage, we both hope this is seen as a first step in providing comfort and consolation to the American people,” said Edwards, the 2004 Democratic Vice Presidential nominee. “There are many issues on which we may disagree, but one area in which we can stand on common ground is in support of Tiger Woods.”

“It’s at times like this that we look to what we have in common, rather than what makes us different,” added Sanford, whose term as governor of the Palmetto state expires next year. “Sure, we may represent different states and different ideologies, but at heart it is important to remember the ties that bind us together.”

The two politicians expressed sympathy for the man who has spent years trying to shield his private life from the glare of the public spotlight. “When you’re in the limelight as much as Tiger Woods is, you can sometimes lose sight of the forest for the trees,” Sanford said. “You’re caught in the trap of public opinion, and that’s when it’s important to have people to help you through the rough patches, help you keep score, to figure out how you can reach the green grass of home safely . . .”

“Look, just stop with the golf metaphors, will you?” Edwards interjected.

The two men added that the Woods affair was another instance of the dangers of celebrity involvement in politics. “In politics you have to lead by example,” Edwards said. “It’s a different lifestyle than what athletes and movie stars may be used to. This case shows that sometimes it’s best to leave politics to the professionals.”

“Not everyone is cut out to be a public servant, after all,” Sanford added.

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