Pope Francis Releases NCAA Bracket; Has Gonzaga Winning It All

(VATICAN CITY, MARCH 21) - Pope Francis announced his NCAA Basketball Tournament bracket today, and revealed that he thinks the championship will be won by the Gonzaga University Bulldogs.

In an exclusive interview with the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano, the Holy Father admitted that although he hadn’t had as much time to work on his bracket as he has in the past, he still feels confident about his selections.

“Gonzaga,” Francis said without hesitation when asked who he had winning it all. “I just have a feeling this is finally their year. Marquette could give them some trouble in the Sweet 16, but it they can get past them, I think they will go all the way."

In addition to Gonzaga, Francis’ other Final Four picks are Saint Louis in the East, Seton Hall in the Midwest, and defending champion Villanova in the South. When asked if he'd chosen Gonzaga because of its Jesuit connection, the Pope, himself a Jesuit, smiled. "We must stick together," he said. “I cannot say anything bad about the other teams, though. After all," he added to laughter from the reporters present, "who am I to judge?"

The Pope revealed that he had discussed his predictions with Emeritus Pope Benedict during a phone conversation the two had on Tuesday, but declined to reveal who the former Holy Father had winning the title. “I know he followed the selections avidly on Sunday. He and I disagree on some of the regions, but if he wants to share his choice with the world, I assume he will do so at the proper time.”

Francis expressed appreciation that this year’s Final Four, to be played in Minneapolis on April 6 and 8, does not conflict with Easter. “With the liturgies on Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday and Easter Sunday, it can be difficult to keep up with the results. Thankfully, this year that will not be the case.”

The Pope chuckled when asked whether his election as Supreme Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church means that his bracket is now to be considered infallible. “The Catholic faithful are under no obligation to follow my predictions,” Francis said. “In fact, my colleagues in Buenos Aries might suggest one would better off if they didn’t. But it has been a good month so far - perhaps it is a sign that my luck is changing.”

Flashback Friday: You have to draw the line somewhere

Originally published September 12, 2014

NFL Cracks Down on Domestic Violence; Affirms Nightclub Brawls, Strip Joint Shootings and Other Random Violence Still OK 

Throwback Thursday: Y.A. Title, R.I.P.

Yelberton Abraham Title Jr., better known to one and all as Y.A., one of the great quarterbacks in the storied history of professional football, died last week at the age of 90. Our own Hadleyblogger Steve had occasion in the past to use Title's legendary as a source for his "This Just In" news bulletins. You can read those pieces here and here, and remember that it takes a true giant (or Giant, if you prefer) to inspire such lunacy. Enjoy!

Baseball Week: The Cubs don't win the pennant!

As Baseball Week continues, a look back at a "This Just In" feature from a few weeks ago that's outdated now, but it does point out how remarkable last year's World Series was.

Cubs Take Field for Season Opener, Are Officially Eliminated From Pennant Race

(CHICAGO, April 1) – The Chicago Cubs were officially eliminated from the National League pennant race today, just moments after taking the field for their season opener against the Pittsburgh Pirates.

“Naturally it’s a disappointment,” Cubs skipper Mike Quade said in a subdued Cubs dugout just before the first pitch was thrown. “After all the hard work in the offseason, to see it end like that before it’s even begun is tough to take, you know?

“But I’m proud of them anyway,” he continued. “To go out there like that and give it their all, even knowing this is not their year, and they’ve still got six months to go, well, I tip my hat to them. It would be easy for them to just show up and go through the motions, pretend there’s nothing at stake, but they’re going to play like it was the first game of the season. Which is the same thing, I guess.”

“We’re professional ballplayers,” Cubs first baseman Carlos Pena said. “We take pride in wearing the Cubs uniform. Even though we’re going to miss the World Series for the 66th consecutive year, and fail to win it all for the 103rd straight season, you won’t see this team give up.”

Beat writer Paul Sullivan, who covers the Cubs for the Chicago Tribune, said that fans still had much to look forward to for the remainder of the season. “First of all, there’s the friendly confines of Wrigley Field, the most beautiful ballpark in America. The ivy covered walls, the hand operated scoreboard, the ghosts of all the hall of famers who’ve beaten the Cubs over the years. Every baseball fan should come to Wrigley at least once, even if the Cubs are out of town.

“But there’s so much more to seeing the Cubs play. Did I mention Wrigley Field?”

Quade said he’d use the remaining 161 games to give younger players a chance. “We’ll bring some of our youngsters up from Triple A and see what they have to offer. Sure, they’re probably playing on a better team with Des Moines, but once they’ve had a taste of major league baseball, or at least Cubs baseball, they won’t want to go back. We h

In a related development, the Cubs lost their season opener to Pittsburgh, 6-3.

Throwback Thursday: Remembering Ted Kennedy

Honor Guard Accidentally Drops Ted Kennedy’s Casket in Chappaquiddick Water

(BOSTON, MA – August 30) What started out as a solemn day turned tragic Saturday when the honor guard escorting Senator Edward M. Kennedy to his final resting place took a wrong turn and accidentally dropped the Senator’s casket off a bridge on Chappaquiddick Island.

The incident occurred as the hearse was transporting Kennedy to Logan Airport in Boston for the flight to Arlington National Cemetery in Washington. While en route, the hearse’s driver inexplicably took a wrong turn and detoured some 100 miles, including a ferryboat ride, before winding up on the bridge, which spans the island's Poucha Pond.

At that point, the back door of the hearse suddenly and without warning flew open, allowing the casket to fall out, skidding off the side of the bridge before flipping over and landing upside down in the water, where it remained visible for only a moment before tipping downward and sinking slowly to the bottom. Several members of the honor guard repeatedly dove into the water in a desperate but ultimately futile attempt to free Kennedy’s trapped body from its watery grave.

Undertaker Richard Bruce, who supervised the arrangements for the late Senator’s funeral, remained cautiously optimistic. “Of course, this is a most unfortunate situation, most unfortunate” Bruce said. “We can only hope that the Senator’s mortal remains were able to find the air pocket that the Poseidon 3000 [casket] creates as a result of its patented hermetically sealed lid. It is, naturally, our finest model, and we are confident that its lacquered walnut and polished bronze exterior should be able to keep the water out of the plush velvet interior for several hours. Fortunately, we understand that the suit in which [Kennedy] was buried was made of wash-and-wear material.”

Sheriff Arch Brahmin, reporting from the scene of the accident, said a team of trained divers was preparing a search-and-rescue mission. He acknowledged, however, that the task would be made more difficult by the fact that the honor guard apparently waited sixteen hours before reporting the accident, passing several homes and a fire station without stopping to phone authorities and advise them of what had happened.

“It’s frustrating, sure, but you can’t prepare for everything,” Brahmin said. “After all, how many times does something like this happen?”

This Just In

(Artist's Conception)

Blizzard Watch Issued for Hell

(HADES, THE NETHER REGIONS) – A blizzard watch was issued for Hell today, according to representatives of the World Meteorological Association and the Commissioner of Major League Baseball. The watch will remain in effect through Wednesday, November 2, the date of the potential seventh game of the World Series between the Chicago Cubs and Cleveland Indians.

“This is a very volatile front, with variables we haven’t seen in over 70 years,” explained meteorologist and Weather Channel personality Al Roker. “At this point we simply can’t predict what path the storm might take. By Thursday morning it could have expanded into a full-blown blizzard warning, or it might turn out to have been a false alarm.” Either way, Roker emphasized, denizens of Sheol will have to keep a close eye on developments.

The storm has the potential to create major disruption in an area not known for seeing cold weather. In fact, according to several experts, the effects could be catastrophic. “We’ve all heard the phrase ‘When Hell freezes over,’ said Catholic theologian and amateur meteorologist Matt Gillespie, “but the fact of the matter is that nobody has ever authoritatively stated just what would happen in that unlikely event. The odds may be a billion to one, but the apparent lack of a contingency plan on the part of the Masters of the Underworld points to extremely short-sighted thinking on their part. It’s no exaggeration to say this could be the end of everything.”

Meanwhile, in New York, Patrick Courtney, spokesman for Major League Baseball, denied that the organization should in any way be considered responsible in the event of such an outcome. In a prepared statement, Courtney stated that “Commissioner [Rob] Manfred wants to remind everyone that Major League Baseball has always considered itself a responsible partner in the efforts to fight climate change. The presence of the Chicago Cubs in this year’s World Series was not something that could have been predicted. Oh sure, there have been years when the Cubbies have come close, but they always managed to choke in the end, and we frankly thought there was no reason to think this wouldn’t happen again this season.”

Even if the Cubs fail to win the Series for the first time since 1908, forecasters cautioned that the eternally damned souls of Gehenna aren't out of the woods yet. “After all,” Roker says, “the Indians haven’t won the World Series since 1948. I can’t predict there won’t be some flurries in the air.”

Flashback Friday: This just in

Judge Holds Lawyer in Contempt

(Artist's Conception)

PENSACOLA, FL - Superior Court Judge Horace Draper announced from his bench yesterday afternoon that he holds local lawyer Peter (Pete) Peterson in contempt. The silver-haired jurist outlined his findings in a damning indictment of the liability lawyer’s shortcomings. "The way he dresses, his butchering of the English language, his inept legal skills. That irritating lisp. I don’t even like the way he combs his hair. Let’s face it, the man’s a mess.

"He’s never appeared before this court," Draper continued, "and I hope to God he never does, but the man’s contemptible nonetheless."

Peterson was not immediately available for comment following Judge Draper’s declaration, but later that afternoon his secretary told a group of paralegals while standing around the coffee machine that Peterson wasn’t all that fond of the judge either.

Originally published August 31, 2006

Throwback Thursday: The return of Bonds?

Bonds Wins Tour de France, Considering Run for the Roses

(July 26, 2019 – Paris, France) Astonishing sports history was made today when Barry Bonds, major league baseball’s controversial all-time home run king, broke through at the finish to win the 106th running of the Tour de France. Bonds, who celebrated his 56th birthday last week, was a last-minute and unexpected entry in the world’s most famous bicycle race, but easily outdistanced the competition to come away with the prized yellow jersey.

“I always liked bike riding,” said bonds after the 2,200 mile (3,540 km) race, while sipping on champagne at the Arc de Triomphe. “I’d been riding with my grandkids in the park recently, and I felt good, felt strong. Then I got a chance to meet some of the guys who ride in this race every year, and right away I knew they were my kind of people. So I gave it a shot.”

Bonds, who faced a deluge of questions – and a federal grand jury – about possible steroid use during his pursuit of Hank Aaron’s home run record in 2007, once again refused to address rumors of steroid use in this year’s Tour.

“You guys are stuck on the same old [stuff],” he said, his voice rising. “You’re like a broken record. Get off it, you’re old news, find a new story, man.”

Bonds, who finished his major league career in 2008 with a total of 775 home runs, had been living in seclusion at his Maui home until recently, but hinted that sports fans may not have heard the last of him. “There may be more to come, depending on how my knees are feeling after this. In fact, I’m giving serious consideration to running in the Kentucky Derby next spring.”

Flashback Friday: This Just In

(Pictured) A recreation of the fateful moment from last Thursday, demonstrating how Fred Smedrick's right finger headed toward a clearly-illuminated elevator button.

Local Man Offers Public Apology After Re-Hitting Already Lit Elevator Button

MAHTOMEDI, MN -- Local window shade salesman Fred Smedrick has issued a public apology after he re-hit an already lit elevator button in the parking ramp of the IDS Center in Minneapolis last Thursday.

"I could tell the second I did it that I had really mucked up,” said Smedrick, who was visiting downtown after a trip to the State Fair with his wife, Maude. “The mood in the elevator shifted immediately. When we got on there had been smiles and polite nods. But when I reached over and punched the up button to go to the 2nd level - even though it was already plainly illuminated - you could feel a sudden, stark chill. It was as if people felt I didn’t trust the work they’d already done, that somehow me, the new guy on board, was disrespecting them. It was just horrible. One guy, the way he was looking at me, I could tell he was thinking, "I'll bet you don't even remember where you parked your car." I just kept my head down and waited for our floor. It couldn’t come fast enough.”

Fred plans to take out a newspaper ad to publicly express his regret, and has decided to take the stairs exclusively the next time he's in the city.

Originally published September 29, 2006

This just in

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver talks with reporters about the unexpected embarrassment of riches for this year's draft.

EVERY COLLEGE BASKETBALL PLAYER IN AMERICA DECLARES FOR NBA DRAFT

(NEW YORK, April 6) – NBA officials today confirmed reports that all 32,190 male college basketball players in the United States have declared for the NBA draft.

The number, which includes all 4,511 players competing at the Division I level, means increased competition for the 60 spots available when the draft takes place June 23 at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn.

“I admit we were a bit taken aback that every college basketball player in America has filed for the draft,” NBA Commissioner Adam Silver said on ESPN’s Mike & Mike show, “but it demonstrates how strong the NBA brand is. When every player in the country wants to be a part of your organization, you must be doing something right.”

“It’s an opportunity for every young man’s dream to come true,” Silver continued, despite the fact that less than two-tenths of one percent of the players will be wind up being drafted in June.

“I just have to do what’s right for me and my family,” said 6’5” center Sam “Slam” Duncan of Alice Lloyd College in Pippa Passes, Kentucky. “All my life I’ve imagined myself standing on that stage in front of my friends and family, wearing the hat and holding up the uniform of the team that drafted me,” even though the odds of him winning a roster spot in the league are approximately 3,400:1. “I’m going shopping for a suit tonight.”

Executives at TBS, which will televise the draft from the Barclays Center in Brooklyn beginning at 7:00pm ET, said they plan to use both Yankee Stadium in the Bronx and Citi Field in Queens to handle the overflow of NBA hopefuls, and to shuttle players to the Barclays Center if they are selected. “It might take a little longer than usual, but we can handle it,” network executive Bruce Wyler said. "Besides, the weather outside in June is usually pretty good."

At press time, it had not yet been determined whether or not the entire roster of the University of Connecticut women’s team would declare, although analysts said if they do, it would change the picks made by several teams.

Flashback Friday: Pope releases NCAA bracket

POPE FRANCIS DISCUSSES HIS NCAA BRACKET WITH THE MEDIA (HNS)

(VATICAN CITY, MARCH 21) - New Pope Francis announced his NCAA Basketball Tournament bracket today, and revealed that he thinks the championship will be won by the University of Notre Dame Fighting Irish.

In an exclusive interview with the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano, the Holy Father admitted that although he hadn’t had as much time to work on his bracket as he has in the past, he still feels confident about his selections.

“Notre Dame,” Francis said without hesitation when asked who he had winning it all. “I just have a feeling this is their year. If they can get past Ohio State in the second round, I think they will go all the way.” The pontiff added, however, that top-ranked Gonzaga should not be overlooked. “Never bet against the Jesuits,” he said with a smile.

In addition to Notre Dame, Francis’ other Final Four picks are Saint Louis in the Midwest, Georgetown in the South, and Marquette in the East. “I almost chose the Louisville Cardinals in the Midwest, but ultimately I stayed with Saint Louis,” he said.

The new Pope revealed that he had discussed his predictions with Emeritus Pope Benedict during a phone conversation the two had on Tuesday, but declined to reveal who the former Holy Father had winning the title. “I know he followed the selections avidly on Sunday. He and I disagree on some of the regions, but if he wants to share his choice with the world, I assume he will do so at the proper time.”

Francis expressed appreciation that this year’s Final Four, to be played in Atlanta on April 6 and 8, does not conflict with Easter. “With the liturgies on Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday and Easter Sunday, it can be difficult to keep up with the results. Thankfully, this year that will not be the case.”

The Pope chuckled when asked whether his election as Supreme Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church means that his bracket is now to be considered infallible. “The Catholic faithful are under no obligation to follow my predictions,” Francis said. “In fact, my colleagues in Buenos Aries might suggest one would better off if they didn’t. But it has been a good month so far - perhaps it is a sign that my luck is changing.”

Originally published March 21, 2013

This Just In: God answers Barry Bonds

God Denies Bonds' HOF Claim, Says He'll Wait for Official Vote

(Heaven, March 2, 2016) Yesterday, God said that despite Barry Bonds' recent claim that “God knows I’m a Hall of Famer,” He actually has not made His final decision on that yet.

“I haven’t made up My mind,” God said. “The whole steroid, performance-enhancing drug controversy is very complicated. I think I’ll wait to see what the baseball writers decide.”

Bonds ended his playing career with 762 home runs and a .298 batting average. But because of illegal drug suspicions, he has not yet come close to receiving enough votes to get into baseball’s Hall of Fame. He has six more years of eligibility.

“It’s not just Barry Bonds I’m puzzled about, it’s Roger Clemens and a few others,” God said, clasping and unclasping His hands. “There’s a lot to figure out these days. That whole Middle East mess, the 2016 presidential election. And now that Zika mosquito. What’s next? Seems like there just aren’t enough hours in the day. Maybe I should have made more of them. Hours, I mean.”

This Just In

Permanently Banned Mets Pitcher Looks Forward

to Future Pitching Opportunities, While Merriam-Webster Calls for Investigation into the Word “Permanent” 

(New York, New York) Feb. 15, 2016  New York Mets pitcher Jenrry Mejia, who last week became the first player in major league baseball history to be permanently banned from the league because of repeated infractions of baseball’s “no steroid” policy, can look forward to applying for reinstatement  next  year.

Mejia, 26, who signed—and received significant portions—of multi-million dollar baseball contracts since 2010, was given the permanent ban after he failed a doping test for the third time. "It is not like they say. I am sure that I did not use anything," Mejia told a Dominican journalist after the ban was announced, a significant departure from his previous “I have no idea how a banned substance showed up in my system,” comment following an earlier failed test, for which he was already serving a year-long suspension at the time of the latest ban. 

Major league baseball allows a permanently banned player to apply for reinstatement after one year. The minimum length of a permanent ban is two years.

In a related development, editorial executives at Merriam-Webster have called an immediate meeting next week at their corporate offices in Springfield, Massachusetts, to consider possible changes to the official definition of the word “permanent.”

Flashback Friday: This Just In

Mid-Level Accountant Bemoans Office Card "Sameness"

HAMMOND, IN -- Frank Smelman, an accountant at Lardlakes Industrial Supplies, has complained to his fellow employees for what he calls "the lackluster and half-hearted" efforts they put in to his recent birthday card that circulated around the office for their signatures.

"I swear they put exactly the same stuff in there they did last year, almost like they just xeroxed it," said Smelman, who has been at Lardy's for a little over 14 years. "At first, I was really touched by their sentiments: 'Best wishes for a good year...nice working with you...happy birthday and many more to a nice guy.' I thought, 'what a great place to work, with people who really care about you.' But then I started comparing it to what they'd written last year, and there was practically no difference. C'mon, you think there'd be something else to say, something original, after all these years of working with these people. It's all so impersonal, like they hardly know me.

"There's such a sameness to the whole thing, you almost wonder if it's worth the effort," continued Smelman, who is considering going to his firm's Human Resources Department to report his complaint. "Why do they even go to the trouble of buying a card?"

Smelman sees it as a part of a bigger trend. "You see it in the other cards people sign, too," he says. "The funeral cards, the congratulations for promotions, things like that. People just seem to be going through the motions when they sign these things, and it gets very depressing. Almost makes you want to go work in another office somewhere."

Originally published July 19, 2007

Throwback Thursday: change of Seasons (?)

Area Man Disappointed By "Jersey Boys" Four Seasons"Those little punks sounded nothing like Vivaldi"

(MINNEAPOLIS, MN -- April 16) Local theater enthusiast Sherman Fedwick came away from the latest Broadway-touring production in Minneapolis a bit confused and more than a little disappointed.

"I hear Four Seasons and I think classical, cellos, violins, Vivaldi, you know, the whole nine yards," Fedwick was overheard remarking to a companion after emerging from the Orpheum Theater, where the popular musical was playing. "I pay big money and what do I hear? Four teenagers in t-shirts and jeans singing on a street corner about crying girls and walking like a man. And using four letter words, no less. What's up with that?"

Walters expressed hope that his next theater ticket for the upcoming production of “Mama Mia" will meet his expectations. "You can always bet on Italian opera to deliver the goods,” he said.

It wouldn't surprise me a bit. . .

Throwback Thursday: The Grand Prix of Venice

Organizers Admit Grand Prix of Venice Might Be a Stupid Idea

(VENICE, ITALY) Officials in this northeast Italian resort city acknowledged today that the inaugural Formula 1 Grand Prix of Venice was in danger of being cancelled, after all 24 cars plunged to the bottom of one of the city’s famed canals immediately after crossing the start line during today’s first round of time trials.

“There are still some bugs to work out in the course, unquestionably,” Venice mayor Giorgio Orsoni acknowledged to reporters after race stewards showed the red flag, indicating a halt to further practice sessions. “But it is premature to suggest that the race may be postponed. We know there are always problems when an event such as this is run for the first time. “Venice has long been known as one of the world’s most beautiful cities, and Formula One is the world’s greatest form of motor racing. The Grand Prix of Venice, which I promise will be run as scheduled, will give us a chance to show the world what our city is really made of.”

No drivers were seriously injured as a result of the multiple accidents, although Ferrari driver Felipe Massa was reportedly being treated for hypothermia.

Defending champion Sebastian Vettel's Red Bull is pulled
from the water following Friday's disasterous practice

As crews using heavy cranes worked to remove the cars, valued at upwards of $15 million each ($750 million Euro), from the paddock area near the Dorsoduro region, F1 major domo Bernie Ecclestone refused to concede defeat, saying that “48 hours is plenty of time to correct any of these little bumps in the road. Or ripples in the water, as the case may be.” Many Formula 1 fans, though, expressing their anger and frustration in various internet chat rooms, laid the blame for the “fiasco” at the feet of controversial race course designer Herman Tilke, who was responsible for the design of the Venice street course. “Tilke has given us another bland circuit, even worse than Abu Dhabi,” “ruapetrolhead564” wrote in a typical comment. “Only this time he replaced sand with water.”

Longtime F1 analyst Peter Windsor felt fans might be underestimating the adaptability of F1 pit crews. “We have some of the most brilliant engineers and technicians in the world working in Formula 1,” Windsor said. “If you ask them to come up with a solution, I’ve no doubt they’ll do it. I imagine Red Bull are probably working in their garages right now, fitting some sort of oar propulsion system to the blown rear diffuser. And McLaren – well, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’d come to race weekend all prepared to fit the car’s side pods with some sort of pontoon if it was needed.” He refused, however, to comment on speculation that FIA officials might allow gondoliers to accompany the drivers during the race.

Despite the confidence of race promoters and F1 officials, most observers remained unconvinced. Former world champion driver Jackie Stewart spoke for many, shaking his head as he looked out over the course while the setting sun cast an orange glow on the waters lapping gently against the guard rails set up for the race. “This is what happens when money is allowed to be the overriding concern in motor sports, rather than safety. Let’s race on a street circuit in Venice, they say. Great idea. It will bring in lots of money and look great on television, which is all they care about. Only now do we see the fatal flaw in the plan, which is that Venice has no streets.”

Originally published June 8, 2012

This Just In

Throwback Thursday: Oprah™'s Last Show

Oprah™ to Create New Life Form on Show Finale

(CHICAGO -- September 15)--Oprah™ Winfrey, America's talk show goddess for the last quarter century, has something very big up her sleeve for her show's finale in this her 25th, and final, season on the air.

Oprah™ began the season in September by telling 300 members of her studio audience that she would be taking them on an eight-day, all-expenses paid trip to Australia.

How she would end her daytime talkfest reign was a mystery, until now.

Oprah™'s producers have revealed that on the final show, to be aired in the spring of 2011, Oprah™ will create a new life form.

"Giving away cars was big, going to Australia was even bigger," says Jaqui Lacquey, a producer of the Oprah™ show. "But for the finale, after all this woman has done, and who she is, after all, we really needed a topper. And I think we've done it. Or, should I say, she will do it."

The exact nature of the life form that Oprah™ will create is a closely guarded secret. “Animal, vegetable, human, extra-terrestrial, we're just not going to reveal that right now," said Lacquey. "But it will definitely be new and extraordinary and mind-blowing, and we'll have all the details about it on Oprah™.com and a full color-spread in Oprah™, The Magazine, and a special will be prepared for the Oprah™ channel. This will be beyond big."

As to the identity of the final guest on the final show, that too, is a mystery, but some definite hints are being dropped. "Oprah™ certainly wants someone of enormous significance and fame as her final guest," said Lacquey. "She's already had presidents and queens and every A-List celebrity you can think of. Let's just say that we are in negotiations with the people of the only other entity known to have created life-forms. That's all we can say right now."

Flashback Friday: Public Radio returns to its roots

Local NPR Radio Station Announces New "All Membership Drive, All the Time" Format

(Pocatello , Idaho) -- KSPD, Idaho 's largest public radio station, announced yesterday that it is moving to a new "all membership drive, all the time" format as of March 1st.

Station Manager Philip T. Lucre announced the new format is in response to recent audience analysis. "Our rating figures show that people love membership drives," says Lucre. "The drives might seem like they're boring, tedious, even numbing, but we're finding that people just keep listening. Better yet, they keep sending in money and membership pledges, and we're very happy with that."

KSPD's most recent membership effort resulted in contributions of more than $20 million to the non-profit station, which is also underwritten by major foundations, local business sponsorships, commercials, tax breaks, the sale of services and merchandise, donations from large corporations, and state and federal tax dollars from the American people. "We're not talking golden goose here," said Lucre, "but it's certainly a winning formula, bottom-line, cash-flow wise. We couldn't do what we do without our listener's support. They know we're a non-profit and that we're counting on them."

Why do people keep listening to people asking them to send in money? Lucre believes it creates a drama that people find compelling.

"Our membership drives are great entertainment," he says. "You've got the tension built up by our self-imposed goal deadlines, people wondering if we're really going to make it. You've got the stories and personal testimonies finely crafted by our public relations department. The ringing phones in the background add a certain electricity. It's really good stuff, a lot better than any music, news or intelligent conversation you used to hear on the radio."

Lucre refused to answer questions about KSPD's recent purchase of four additional radio stations in California and Arizona , or its reported majority ownership of new office buildings and a resort casino being built in Winnemucca, Nevada . "We're a large business entity, and we need to maintain solid economic resources," he did say. "And besides, whatever we do has one main goal in mind: to provide the people of Pocatello, Idaho the kind of radio programs that they love and that meet their local needs."

Originally published February 20, 2007