Tuesday, October 25, 2016

This Just In

(Artist's Conception)
Blizzard Watch Issued for Hell

(HADES, THE NETHER REGIONS) – A blizzard watch was issued for Hell today, according to representatives of the World Meteorological Association and the Commissioner of Major League Baseball. The watch will remain in effect through Wednesday, November 2, the date of the potential seventh game of the World Series between the Chicago Cubs and Cleveland Indians.
“This is a very volatile front, with variables we haven’t seen in over 70 years,” explained meteorologist and Weather Channel personality Al Roker. “At this point we simply can’t predict what path the storm might take. By Thursday morning it could have expanded into a full-blown blizzard warning, or it might turn out to have been a false alarm.” Either way, Roker emphasized, denizens of Sheol will have to keep a close eye on developments.

The storm has the potential to create major disruption in an area not known for seeing cold weather. In fact, according to several experts, the effects could be catastrophic. “We’ve all heard the phrase ‘When Hell freezes over,’ said Catholic theologian and amateur meteorologist Matt Gillespie, “but the fact of the matter is that nobody has ever authoritatively stated just what would happen in that unlikely event. The odds may be a billion to one, but the apparent lack of a contingency plan on the part of the Masters of the Underworld points to extremely short-sighted thinking on their part. It’s no exaggeration to say this could be the end of everything.”

Meanwhile, in New York, Patrick Courtney, spokesman for Major League Baseball, denied that the organization should in any way be considered responsible in the event of such an outcome. In a prepared statement, Courtney stated that “Commissioner [Rob] Manfred wants to remind everyone that Major League Baseball has always considered itself a responsible partner in the efforts to fight climate change. The presence of the Chicago Cubs in this year’s World Series was not something that could have been predicted. Oh sure, there have been years when the Cubbies have come close, but they always managed to choke in the end, and we frankly thought there was no reason to think this wouldn’t happen again this season.”

Even if the Cubs fail to win the Series for the first time since 1908, forecasters cautioned that the eternally damned souls of Gehenna aren't out of the woods yet. “After all,” Roker says, “the Indians haven’t won the World Series since 1948. I can’t predict there won’t be some flurries in the air.”

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